Surprised Kitty...is surprised.

Surprised Kitty is surprised

C WUT I DID THAR?
I took a YouTube video from Geekologie and combined it with Motivated Photos to create some kinda...YOUMOTIVATED PHOTOSTUBE ®©

Seriously, in 3 years, when Youtube and Motivated Photos is combined, remember you saw the idea here first!

UWaterFail

I realized that today might be the third last time I set foot on University of Waterloo campus. The second last being the time I help Zena move out and the last being Zena's convocation, if she so chooses to attend.

UWaterloo. For me, it might possibly have been 5 of the worst years of my life. Well, it started out good...school was good, friends were good....but after 2 or 3 terms, it just went to hell.

If Waterloo were a test, a test on independence, a test on studiousness, a test on the ability to prioritize, a test on intelligence, and a test on determination, I'll have considered it a failure.

They tell you that highschool does not prepare you for university. They are correct. Highschool was dirt easy in comparison, I could get 85-95 with minimal effort. And better if I tried...which I rarely did. The only thing I learned from highschool was how to be cocky. How to be arrogant. How to underestimate everything and everyone (or maybe, how to overestimate myself). In highschool, one of my quotes was "The only thing I don't know how to do, is fail". How arrogant of me. But university is not highschool. Oh, how those lessons I'd learned backfired on me in Waterloo.

If Waterloo were a test and 50% were a pass, I'd have gotten 50%. Not 50.1%, 50%. I graduated, yes. But I literally might not have graduated if my marks were slightly lower. It was personally shameful. Given my past, my potential...I should have been above average. I'd never not been above average. A couple years in and I started to feel defeated. I'd never known this type of defeat, I didn't handle it well. Like a downward spiral, I just fell, lower and lower. School didn't really matter to me anymore. I just wanted everything to end.

Eventually, it did. I'll confess something here, my post:
A recurring nightmare is basically a dream of not graduating. I was not kidding about that 50% thing above, the difference was as small as a needle point. It was stressful as hell, and clearly it was traumatically stressful. And while I did graduate, I personally let myself down.

The most difficult thing to live with after these 5 years was my shattered confidence. I think one of the reasons I've got two minds about everything is that I have one side telling me what I should do, and the other insecure side, giving me doubts on why I can't do something. Like the spirit of Warren from ages 1-20 is fighting with the spirit Warren of 21-27 (and by spirit, I don't mean an ethereal manifestation, I mean a mood of determination and will). I'm well aware of this confidence problem, it might be the reason why my social anxiety disorder symptoms are so much stronger now than they were 5 years ago. I'm very hard on myself, despite generally doing above average on everything I do (I think). The insecure Warren feels like it's never enough. I hate getting praise because I don't know how to respond to it....but...I need it. I crave it. I need people to blow smoke up my ass because even if it's insincere (or sincere), it feels good. Like it helps redeem me. I have a self-deprecating attitude and I use self-deprecating humor. And consciously so, so that people blow smoke up my ass. It's not a good quality to have...but pobody's nerfect.

Waterloo fucked me up big time. With Zena graduating soon, my trips there should be less frequent, if ever. I'll be happy to never visit that god awful place again. I need to put that place behind me...

Leaving the World of Warcraft

I've transferred all my assets, any items worth any value, all my gold (20k) to Zena. I used all my badges to purchase epic gems and sent them off to guildies. I relinquished guild leadership and gave it to Crimxona. I've canceled my subscription. I've deleted the files from my computer.

The transition was slow, I unofficially quit 3 months ago but still logged in once a week for 2 more months...this last month, I didn't log in at all. And today...will be the last time I log in.

Motivation VS Happiness + Lifelong goals

I've had a number of realizations today.

I am only motivated in life when I'm unhappy or there's something to strive/work for. And I'm not talking about general learning here and there, I'm talking about being motivated enough to sacrifice something fun to do something productive.

6 Years ago, this was the status of my life long goals:
1. Finding a profession/career that I enjoy over one I don't - TO DO
2. Finding a girlfriend/wife who understands me and accepts me for who I am - TO DO
3. Being financially well off enough that I can do what I want, when I want - TO DO

6 Years ago, I was in school. I hadn't been going out with Zena yet. I hadn't started playing World of Warcraft.

6 Years ago, I was
1. More social with friends, going out, etc.
2. Ambitious - I was eager to learn
3. Thinner and more healthy. Well, I was still unhealthy but my metabolism was better so I wasn't the fatty I am today.

Now, within 2 years of this older Warren (so within 6-4 years ago)...I started playing Warcraft. Suddenly I was slightly less social. My learning/productive time was also divided due to Warcraft. Then, I started going out with Zena. At this point, I did a disappearing act on my friends...I tried my best to NOT do the disappearing act, since I had been single my whole life and didn't want to abandon my boyz (or as we used to call it "The Single Man's Club"....@ least we laughed @ ourselves...) Anyways, I tried not to disappear but Zena was the person whom I'd started spending most of my time with. It took a while but Zena combined with Warcraft resulted in a new, anti-social Warren. Also, as a result of Zena, I literally let myself go (Note: I'm not blaming her btw, it's just what happened...I don't have anyone to blame but myself). We had been going out to eat frequently. Too frequently...and...well, honestly, being physically attractive became less important for me. Also, around this time, I also got a full time job. At this point, I was still eager to learn, eager to start my life in the work place. I was a rising star...I didn't get Outstanding 3/6 times for nothing, I really did an awesome job....

This was 4 years ago. I had achieved all my lifelong goals and dreams. 4 Years ago. And with that, came happiness. And with happiness came a content life. And with that, came laziness. 2 weeks ago, I thought it was great that I had achieved all my life long goals. Clint praised me and I thought to myself "Yeah, I'm doing great for being so young! I'm legend-waitforit-dary). But I realize now that achieving your goals is a curse, not a blessing...

And the reason is....recently, 2 of my lifelong dreams/goals have been put into question:
1. Finding a profession/career that I enjoy over one I don't
3. Being financially well off enough that I can do what I want, when I want
(I know some of you -Jeff/Anson- laughed when I called Zena a paperweight but she's like, the most stable thing in my life...it fits...unfortunately for her :P)

So yeah...with 2 goals in question, I realize how...unhappy I am right now. And with that, how motivated I am to get my life back on track to fulfill these goals...

A bit of a side note...but ultimately related to the topic of goals...
Regarding being physically unfit...because of my way of thinking, that "if I were to die at any time, I'd be content with my life"...I live my life doing what I want, when I want. And eating what I want, when I want. I figure people generally stay physically fit to a) attract the opposite sex and b) live a long life. Since neither of these were goals for me, that didn't matter. But...I've decided that if I'm going to improve myself, I'm going to need to set more goals for myself. Real goals, not that TO DO sh!t on the right -->. I don't care so much about attracting the opposite sex. But...do I want to live a long life? I originally thought that it didn't matter. But after talking with Zena, I realized...I do want to see something. I want to see my grandchildren. I unconditionally love my nephew and niece so much right now and I love the happiness they bring to my parents lives, as well as my own. I love children, I love to look at them, play with them. They're so pure, so innocent, so happy. They're wide-eyed, curious about everything. They don't have any stress, they eat and sleep all day. Just like Dwarf Hamsters. And I'm very jealous. Now, I know (well, I'm fairly certain) I'll live to see my kids and watch them grow up. But I'd really like to see my grandchildren...I'm not sure if "Live long enough to play with grandchildren" should be a life long goal, but I'll make it an unofficial one...and try to work that goal into my everyday life.

I want to get back to Warren from 6 years ago. The social Warren, the ambitious Warren. Now that I've dropped Warcraft again, I'm getting a bit of both back already. Now that I'm unhappy with some aspects of my life, I'm motivated to improve myself.

The summary is that being content with life is a curse. When you have all your goals, you get lazy, sloppy, careless. And any of them can be taken away at any time. And if they are, your lazy, sloppy, careless attitude will put you so behind that when you try to regain your goals, it's going to be extra hard. So the key is to always stay on your toes...working extra hard leads to burnout. Being far behind means you have to catch up. But if your life has balance....with a little extra hard work, you'll be okay.

Now, I'm going to catch up. And when I do, I'll try to never fall behind again.

1337 speak

I've been using an increasingly large amount of 1337 (=leet=elite) speak lately in my twitter and blog. Most of it learned playing the World of Warcraft...

Awesomesauce
Weaksauce
lololololol
Epic Fail
Terribad
LOLs
lawl
lul
= Win.
= Fail.
FTW...or FTH (For the Horde)
pwn
nub (n00b)
Pr0n

I enjoy using these terms, it makes me feel young, like I could still talk to a teen, even now. I DO also use old slang as well though...making me old.

Dude
What's up
Cowabunga! - nah, I don't really say that

I wonder...what will happen to my 1337 speak now that I've stopped playing WoW. It's undeniable that most of what I learned was from that game...
I never want to get too old that I forget how to talk like a teenage moron. What do I do? I don't frequent urbandictionary often unless there's a specific term I want.

I guess I should just play WoW and chill in Dalaran and watch the stupidity. If you've ever read/witnessed it, some of it is pretty fracking entertaining....pure genius hidden within pure idiocy. Some very intelligent people drowning their lives and their potential. Kinda like what I did.

Posting 2 old posts = EPIC WIN.
Running out of content = EPIC FAIL.

But that's what this blog's all about anyways. some EPIC FAIL. I CTRL-F 13 "Epic Fail"s on this page atm.

Irrelevant. I know that's not the right word.

After you use the word repeatedly, it tends to lose it's meaning.

Irrelevant - not related, not applicable, unimportant, not connected

To say my content is irrelevant means to compare it to something. But I don't really compare it to anything when I use the word meaning that it's being used incorrectly.

Or so I would have you believe.

The idea is that my content is irrelevant to EVERYTHING. Which is false but I entertain the idea. It makes everything I write seem...even less significant than it already is.

Posting random 2 month old post = win.

It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.

It's true. The glass is not half empty. It's fact.

In the grand scheme of things, nothing matters. Not your life, not mine, not the contributions we make, or the people we help. Sure, it matters in the small sense. But in the grand scheme, nothing we say, do, create, or destroy will have any significance.

If your life is awesome, you probably disagree with the above.

But if your life sucks, this mentality will make life easier. Do what you want, it doesn't matter what other people say or do or think. It doesn't matter what you say or do or think. I mean, in the grand scheme of things...
Don't go losing your job cuz you're an idiot.


...what a downer post. I just felt like writing something...

Learning new things.

After giving it some thought, I'm pretty disappointed with myself for writing:

"I don't want to make life too difficult for myself. I enjoy being challenged but I also enjoy being lazy. Working too hard leads to burnout. For me, the key to life is always about balance." - Hi. I'm Warren. I'm a web developer.

It sounds like I'm content with my current knowledge and that I don't want to strive for more knowledge, for better things. That's really one of the worst ways to look at life. I enjoy being challenged. I want to learn more about whatever interests me. I want and need to keep adapting to technology, learning new things. Watching new shows, not re-watching old shows I like. I just wanted to make it clear that I'm not content with what I know and that I'm not done with learning.

Social Anxiety Disorder (Social Phobia)

I originally wanted to discuss another form of Social Anxiety Disorder: One on one interaction but as I've written this, I realize that I suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder in general.

I'm very uncomfortable in a one on one social situation unless it's with someone I'm fairly comfortable with or it's someone that I WANT to be with. For work related issues (i.e. meetings) it's not so much of an issue. There's a topic to be discussed and that is the focus. But I'll avoid say

1) Going out to lunch with someone I'm not too familiar with or if I feel the situation might have awkward silences.
2) Being in a car with only one person.
3) Having one (or many) guests over at my place.

There are many exceptions. I don't have any issues regarding the above with Zena, my good friends, or some of my co-workers. But I would generally avoid the situation with strangers or people with uncommon interests.

Regarding my co-workers, I'd feel comfortable with Clint, Karol, Ron or Chris. But I wouldn't feel comfortable with Xin, Derek or any OLM (with the possible exception of Ackley). It's not that they aren't as close to me as my other co-workers but we don't have as much in common. Once you get past work related topics, there's not much to talk about with them (for me). They're harder to talk to and I don't like forcing conversation. I also don't like the silence and thus, I'd avoid the situation in general.

I would be fine in a group of 3. Though with 3 people the dynamic completely changes. I don't like if my brother stays over at my condo unless Zena's there. I've been in a one on one with my brother, it's not fun and it doesn't turn out well. But when Zena's around, it's completely different. I also don't generally like going out for coffee runs with just 1 person but I'd go if there are at least 2.

I wasn't sure why this is, I assumed it was just another social anxiety issue (much like my eating in front of others phobia). But after trying to find this specific issue, I've come to the more general realization that I simply have Social Anxiety Disorder.

Wikipedia says:
Social anxiety is anxiety (emotional discomfort, fear, apprehension, or worry) about social situations, interactions with others, and being evaluated or scrutinized by other people.

Some items of note from this page that apply directly to me:
Social anxiety can also be self-integrated and persistent for people who suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder, which can also make the social anxiety harder to overcome, especially if ignored.

Another site listed triggering situations. I will place a "Y" beside items which I have an issue with:
Being introduced to other people - Y
Being teased or criticized - Y - but I don't know anyone that likes that...I get teased a lot, it doesn't really bother me....criticized is different though. I can get defensive.
Being the center of attention - Y
Being watched or observed while doing something - Y
Having to say something in a formal, public situation - Y
Meeting people in authority ("important people/authority figures") - Y
Feeling insecure and out of place in social situations ("I don’t know what to say.") - Y
Embarrassing easily (e.g., blushing, shaking) - Y - I shake a lot
Meeting other peoples’ eyes - Y
Swallowing, writing, talking, making phone calls if in public - I don't like making phone calls in public, the rest I'm okay with...

When I look at the trigger situations, I realize how obvious it all is. I wouldn't say I'm terribly affected by it..I can still do these things I might generally avoid if I'm forced to. Without a post like this, it might not be noticeable to the observer...but if you're aware of this, being around me might suddenly make a whole lot more sense.

I'm not going to try to fight it, it's not really an issue at the moment. Being with Zena all the time does probably make my situation worse. I often make her do the things I'm uncomfortable doing...waving down a waitress, talking to a comic-con dealer to get a better deal, talking to store-clerks, asking store-clerks for directions, etc. Yes, I have issues with all the above menial things. Frig, the fact that I put my pants on properly 3/5 times during the week is a feat for me.

Damn. I need to get better at this stuff. I can only see the situation getting worse, especially if Zena bails me out all the time. I'll have to be careful of this...and start to do things I generally would avoid...Damn you self-improvement! Always trying to make me better than I am...you pain in the ass...

The blog will continue! Full speed ahead!

Being alone with my thoughts for almost 3 hours today made me realize just how much more I want to say/write....really, the only thing necessary for my blog posts is some time alone with my thoughts. Coming up with topics while driving is ridiculously easy. Remembering those same topics by the time I get back to my computer is the tricky part.

I really need to stop...making new posts while I have so many unfinished (but mostly written) posts in my drafts...I should really finish those off before writing new posts...I have like, 15 atm O_O

I tend to resist blogging after I've made a meaningful post. Like my last post, I wanted to leave for a few days so that I could get more comments or feedback...but again, self control isn't my strength and the 3 hour drive I had made me very excited to write.

This weekend

1. My mind was in productive mode...but Zena was here. And when she's around, it's so easy to fall out of productive mode. It's like there's a fire under my ass to get sh!t done when I'm alone. And then when she's around, that fire is just a nice warmth...that puts me to sleep.

2. Zena was playing WoW and I remembered the pull and urge I got from WoW. I was interested but not enough to even think about re-logging in. Seriously though, when she comes back and she's done school and fully into WoW...will I be able to keep away? Can a smoker stop smoking if everyday, someone's blowing smoke in his face? Can an alcoholic stop drinking if the alcohol is constantly being dangled in front of him? These answers all point to "no"...but will I be able to defy the addiction? I would say time will tell...but no....as I write this, I'll cancel my account/uninstall it from my comp, at least before Zena gets back. WoW is/was probably the biggest mistake of my entire life. But more about that later *hint* it's a future blog post...

That's it for now. Right now I don't feel like I'll stop blogging...but then again, I'm also fickle. The gemini part of me makes me feel completely different on different days...or in this case, completely different a few hours later...

Blogging about blogging Part 2

Few things regarding this blog:

1. I still want to write but the reason I started blogging is no longer applicable. I've completed what I needed to complete with it. This means...I'm going to chill a little on this blog. I'm already slowing down (and that's a good thing).

2. Thanks to my readers. I count 11 of you that consistently read -voluntarily-. This does not include people whom I tell/force to read my blog (Ron & Chris, you don't count as my readers...cuz ur jerkfaces...)

3. There were quite a few rants that I've accumulated in my head throughout my LIFETIME. And a lot of them have already been written...for example:
"I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do"
Hi. I'm Warren. I'm a web developer.
Life. As seen through the eyes of Warren.
The internet is bad.
"People always leave."
I've only got a couple of -meaningful- blog posts that I have in my head left. This means that either I reduce my number of posts or maintain my meaningless posts...the idiocy ones or the ones written on the fly. So, I'm going to ask you, the readers, do you just like reading whatever? Short posts of all the little things I notice? Or do you prefer posts that are long, more thought out, and...possibly more interesting?

And why don't I just do what I want? I don't really know what I want...As I said, the reason I started blogging no longer applies. I want to find new purpose, new motivation. If I don't have a reason...I'll revert back to old, lazy Warren. I'm looking for feedback, I'm looking for guidance...

"I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do"

Savage Garden - Affirmation <-- song, click to play

I just felt those words resonate with me. I'm watching this House episode where this over protective mother won't let the doctors treat her son because she's a stubborn, tough old broad. I started to think about how (loving) parents...don't always do what's best. Because they love, because they care, they can be irrational. Their judgment can be flawed because they're too emotionally invested. But...they still do what they believe is best for their children.

Parents don't get the credit they deserve from any of you (yes, I'm talking to -you-). I'm guilty as well. I'm short with my parents (or maybe I'm short BECAUSE of my parents - ba dum dum ching!), I lose my temper easily. I don't talk to them often. They don't call anymore because when they did, I'd be "too busy" to talk to them...but I'd just be lying cuz I'd be in the middle of some show and it was more important. I don't call them because I'm independent, I don't call them just like I don't really call anyone. I blocked them on MSN because I used to write profanity in my MSN status and I didn't want them knowing their son swore...I always turned profanity off around them. Like those words didn't exist.

Wow, I sound like such an awful son don't I? Which...might just be the truth.

Anyways, I guess I could unblock them now, my MSN status remains unchanged...but then they might come across my blog. I've made a number of references towards them...never anything bad but...would I be embarrassed if they read this blog? If they found out some of the frakked up things about me? Maybe....Even this post might shatter how they see me.

I'm getting a bit side-tracked...I want to get back to my original point of this post.

I said something today in front of my co-workers...
"Stupid people should not have children". I believe I incorrectly used the word "stupid"...but the message I wanted to convey is that...while it's everyone's right to have children, I personally don't think it's always a good idea.

Regarding abortion, I'm very much pro-choice. I don't believe children should be born into this world if their parents aren't ready to have them. Or if the child was the result of one stupid, drunken night. Or if the child was born into a family with not enough financial support. I'm going to be honest - regarding any life, I don't think love is enough. A child should be raised with responsible, reasonably intelligent parents.

I want to clear this up before I go further: I'm not going to go into the ethics of abortion and how it's ending a life and every life is precious. Going back to what I said in previous blog posts, I don't believe life is precious. Life can be created quite easily. It just takes some alcohol and poor judgment, something the human race has an abundance of. That's a tad cynical but the point is that I don't see life itself as precious. But that's just me. Create it. End it. We might as well be Gods in our own way.

Again, I'm getting side tracked. To continue what I was saying before...

A child should be raised with responsible, reasonably intelligent parents. They should have money to support the child and family. They should be mature, they should be loving, they should be this, they should be that. As children, we probably saw our parents as Gods. Seriously, they were the higher power. They fed us, they bathed us, controlled us, disciplined us, they were the shining example of what we should be. That is...until we got a little older and realized how flawed they are. How...similar they are to just about every other person you've ever met. How they have strengths. How they have weaknesses. How they weren't Gods. They are just....human....like everyone else. But they saw themselves as Gods, molding life in their image. Trying to create the best possible offspring. They might have succeeded. They might have failed. But they did the best job they knew how to do.

And on that note, you should call your parents. Just to say hi. Because...they'll love it. And it's so easy for you. Now, you might do that. You might not. And despite all I've written, I probably won't. Because the important things get left unsaid. And I've always been a terribad son. And I'll probably, despite my best efforts, be a terribad father. Actually, I don't believe that at all.

This post...is probably the most accurate post of how my mind works and how I think about things. When I walk to work, I start thinking of something, but it snowballs into this and that, leading to whatever topic tickles my interest. This might be one of my most all over the place posts...and that's how I think. Up here *points to head*, I'm a mess. But you already know that :)

Hi. I'm Warren. I'm a web developer.

While I'm on my life high, I thought I should write about this profession that I love. I'm a bit disappointed though, there's not really any passion in this post...despite being a profession I love. I guess I'm not feeling it today....

I originally started out as a web designer. My skills were mostly focused around Photoshop and some Flash/Premiere. I had an artistic background and at the time of developing my Photoshop skill, I was (relatively speaking) one of the better digital artists that I knew of. Looking back at it now, it was probably because I had more exposure to Photoshop than everyone else...not because of my artistic skill (which I find pretty lacking - maybe because I haven't developed it in years).

I continued to be a web designer with minor development skills from high school, all the way until a few of years ago (2000-2007~). I would occasionally do development. I eventually started using <!Doctype> instead of <html>, <div> instead of <table>, css instead of default tag properties. I slowly learned vb syntax. I slowly learned about databases and SQL. I slowly learned c# syntax. All of these things were very gradual, picking up pieces of information here and there...but it was never really my focus. I loved my Photoshop. I thought I could spend all day using Photoshop.

Eventually...my tastes seemed to change. Even with my current eBusiness team, I was originally hired as a designer. A couple of months in and I turned into a hybrid, a designer/developer. I mostly focused on design but I also helped the developers. I was good at debugging, I understood code, logic, etc. Eventually, I made the decision to switch from designer to developer...and I haven't looked back.

I had two concerns regarding being a developer. First, I wasn't sure if my skill would be enough. Being surrounded by awesome developers all day, everyday in Waterloo made me question my skills. Relatively speaking to them, I was a bad developer. But relatively speaking to the general population, I'm average or slightly above average.

My other concern 3 years ago was that I couldn't see myself looking at code all day. I thought it would be boring....but I could see myself using Photoshop all day. This goes back to one of my lifelong goals of finding a profession I enjoy. I wanted to make sure that whatever I was doing, I was having fun. A few more months of Photoshop all day and I started to realize that it didn't quite stimulate my mind like development did. I could do either all day but...development challenged me in more of a traditional sense whereas I felt that design challenged me only if I actually challenged myself to look at things differently.

I started to slowly be drawn into the development world. I like that development focuses on many logical steps to create a seemingly illogical solution. I like that you can develop something, test it, and either feel a sense of accomplishment or reevaluate the problem, test again, and repeat to eventually feel that sense of accomplishment. I didn't really feel that with design. Design is subjective. I could do something that I felt was my best work, only to have some half wit tear it down. I doubt I could handle idiots telling me what they think is best. It would make me frustrated. That's rarely an issue as a developer - except that one recent time when other developers were analyzing/judging my code...that pissed me off >:(

Anyways, I'm a developer now. And I love it. I'm not the greatest developer (not talking web, talking about in general)...but web is seriously EZ MODE in comparison to what's out there. Which is why it's perfect for me. I'm not intelligent enough to be a great developer, I'm not a quick learner and I don't love development like I could/should. I rarely, if ever, look at tech blogs or read up on the latest technologies. But. I'm intelligent enough to do my job well. I'm quick enough to do my job well. I don't need to read about the latest technologies because I wouldn't touch that stuff anyways.

The fact is, I'm good at my job. And I've chosen it because it doesn't challenge me like some jobs could. I like being over qualified rather than being under qualified. I don't think my pride could take being frequently defeated. I know I didn't handle that lack of ASP.NET knowledge well...I freaked out. I was motivated to learn it but that sort of....wore off...I'd much rather watch House :)

There are more challenging jobs out there...and I admire those that want to try them, that reach for the stars, that always want to jump to the next, harder project. I'm a bit more realistic, judging the situation according to my abilities and myself. I don't want to make life too difficult for myself. I enjoy being challenged but I also enjoy being lazy. Working too hard leads to burnout. For me, the key to life is always about balance.

I realize that a younger me would call myself a coward...running away from my problems. But I look at life now and say that I'm happy. Not too difficult...not too easy. Balance works. I'd kick that little kid's ass anyways. Though he could probably outrun me. Little bastard.

I think I'll stop this post here.

Affirmation

This post...is written mostly for me. It's personal and written so ambiguously that it'd probably be impossible to figure out. I'll leave it up to you if you still choose to read it.

The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you - Bob Harris, Lost in Translation

The glass has been full lately. There had been a doubt regarding one of my lifelong goals/dreams that I've had lingering in my head for years now. This last week, I've finally been able to put it to rest. It had always been in the back of my head, giving me stress. I wasn't sure if the path I'd taken in life was correct or if I had to change it. It's taken me years to find an answer but I'm sure that the path I've chosen is the right one.

I know what I want. I have what I want. And this doubt isn't going to bother me anymore.

Life. As seen through the eyes of Warren.

My lifelong dreams/goals include...

1. Finding a profession/career that I enjoy over one I don't - CHECK
It almost seems stupidly obvious to me but there are a lot of people who don't enjoy the profession they have. I don't understand how you can spend so much time of your life doing something you don't want to do. I understand the monetary responsibilities but isn't it possible to find something you want to do that also rewards you with enough money? I'm fortunate to have found web design and development. It's something I do in my free time. Something I enjoy. And fortunately, something I can also get paid for.

2. Finding a girlfriend/wife who understands me and accepts me for who I am - CHECK
I'm very fortunate to have found my significant other so early in my life. We've been together for 5 years now, approaching 6. We have ups and downs. But rarely any down. We just work together. I'm so lucky to have found someone who understands me despite my failings. She loves me for who I am.
She's like a paperweight. There when I need it. She prevents things from flying out of control. She....sits there and looks pretty. She...okay, bad analogy. Seriously though...
She is my confidence when I am insecure.
She is my light when I feel dark.
She is my smile when I am depressed.
She is my understanding when I'm irrational.
She is my balance in life.

For someone as bipolar as me, someone with two minds, someone who takes two opposite views on everything, I can think of no better person to complement and balance myself and my life than Zena.

3. Being financially well off enough that I can do what I want, when I want - CHECK
I'm not rich. I'm not poor. My expenses are low but so are my desires. I don't buy expensive stuff. My costly expenses include a $200 Collector's Edition BLU RAY DVD Box Set. I live well within my means. Even supporting a poor student, I have enough money to never worry about it. Again, I don't have much money. But I don't have anything expensive to spend it on.

4. Have a room dedicated to my comics, toys, action figures, etc etc. - TO DO
This one is a bit silly but yes, it's been one of my goals since early high school. Fortunately, this will come with time and it's quite an easy goal to obtain.



If I were to die...

I would be content. Even at the end of high school, I told my best friend that if I were to die the next day, I would be content with my life. He disagreed saying there's still much to do and see. But I never felt that way, I'd lived my life the way I'd chosen to live it. No regrets. Comparing that young, naive Warren to myself now, I still feel the same way. There may be much to see, much to do. But even now, I have no desire in seeing or doing these things. I am content with my life. Decisions made are rational and logical. They reflect me and I control my own destiny. To hate the situation I'm in would be my own doing. But I don't hate it.

I have everything I want.



My life has been...

simple. Honestly, I lead a very spoiled life. I've grown up with 2 loving parents who would do anything for me. They weren't rich but even as a child, I never asked for much. The toys and comics from high school were purchased with my own money. I've never known much hardship. I've never had anyone close to me ever pass away though to be fair, I would only consider maybe 5 people close to me. I don't even consider my brother close. Now, I'm not sure if my life has been simple because I've made it so or because things fall into place for me. I've been a firm believer that things will work out for the best because in my life, they usually do. I'm pretty sure that had I not had the mentality I've always had regarding a simple life, I'd have found drama and it would find me.



What does the future hold for me?

I don't know. It matters little about the material things. If I still have the mentality that I have now in the future, I'll have considered my life a life worth living. What more could I ask for?

Warren's hair. I name thee Vanity.

I love to look at it. I love to style it. I love when it works the way I want it to. I love how it looks when the wind blows through the front. I love when a bang falls directly through my pupil. I often tilt my head down so this occurs more often. I will not leave the house if it's in an unacceptable state. When I look at myself, I look at my hair.

There are many things about my appearance that I don't care about. I don't care what brand name of clothes I wear. I don't care what's in style. I don't care what everyone else wears. I don't care about many things about my appearance. But my hair is not one of them.

Yes. I am narcissistic. I am annoying. I am egocentric. I am arrogant. I have a superiority complex. I would hate myself if I weren't me. Wait, I hate myself anyways. I am many bad things.

but I am honest.

Empathy. I lack it.

Empathy - the capability to share another being's emotions and feelings.

Okay, I'm not completely void of it but I've noticed throughout my life that I don't quite have the same...level of empathy that others have. There are times when I completely miss the emotional aspect of a conversation or situation or misread its intent or purpose. I often think things through logically or base my reactions and emotions off of what I assume is the correct response. In empathetic situations, rarely are my emotions genuine, if ever. Usually I feel nothing. My reactions are usually the mimicry of a combination of similar events that I've witnessed on TV.

A lack of empathy is also a trait of psychopaths. yikes.

**EDIT** 10/03/2010 - 10:30AM
This is one of the reasons I try to avoid funerals or anything related to death. My actions and emotions aren't natural. I don't really feel...anything. I know what I'm supposed to feel. I make the sad face, I force myself to think of something that I'm emotionally saddened by, enough to cause tears...and that is what I display. Again, I'm not trying to say I don't have emotions. I'm saying that I have a lack of empathy. I'm not sure what the cause of this is...maybe I've been desensitized due to media. Maybe I try to emotionally distance myself from feeling anything...because I don't WANT to feel anything. Well, nothing bad at least. Wait, I also don't feel anything when people are happy either...so that can't be it. Damn, work is calling...I better get back to real life.

Still in a world without the World of Warcraft

I've been clean for two months now today. I really feel a sense of accomplishment for staying away this long. At this point, I will probably never go back...nor will I touch an MMO again...

Life is awesome without it. I must never forget that.

I am Warren's darkness.

**This post may be expanded upon, I didn't quite finish but being sick and too...tired to think properly, I doubt I'd be able to complete it for days...

I will make a few references to the following animes/mangas: Death Note and Monster. I will, in my own words, discuss the premise of each as they are relevant to my post but if you'd like a better understanding of the story, I suggest you check out the links.

Death Note
A notebook (called a Death Note) is found in the world. It grants the person who uses it the ability to kill someone simply by writing their name in the notebook. The main character, Yagami Light, finds the book and uses it to cleanse the world of rotten people to effectively make it a better place. He focuses on killing criminals who have broken the law and spends the series cleansing the world and avoiding capture from the police who claim that what he is doing is murder and that he should be brought to justice.

Monster
A genius and good-hearted surgeon, Dr. Tenma, uses his exceptional skills to save patients. At the very start, he is supposed to save an old man from an injury but the hospital that he works at orders him to save someone else, a famous opera singer. Both lives in peril, he saves the opera singer because of the hospital's orders but despite the fact that the other old man came first and was supposed to originally be operated on by Dr. Tenma. As a result, the old man dies. Dr. Tenma feels uneasy about saving someone's life before another person's, unsure of where the priority in people's lives are. During a conversation with his girlfriend, she laughs at his dilemma saying "Not all people's lives are equal." A few days later, the same scenario occurs. A small boy, Johan, and the mayor of the city are both brought in to the hospital. Johan is brought in first, his only chance of survival rest in Dr. Tenma's skills. The hospital though, requests that he save the mayor's life instead. Dr. Tenma is placed in a moral dilemma again, does he choose whether to save Johan's life or the mayor's? Are all lives equal? He chooses to save Johan and as a result, the mayor dies. Years later, Johan grows up to become a remorseless killer. Dr. Tenma finds out about Johan's activities and believes that because he saved Johan years ago, he is responsible for putting a stop to Johan's killings. The rest of the story follows Dr. Tenma in his quest to stop the Monster that he saved.

This posts starts off with something that happened a few nights ago. During a discussion among a group of people, someone I know said something...dark. Not violent but it involved wishing the death of someone. I was surprised, it was something I would think but never say. In my sleep deprived state, I blurted out that I agreed with him only to have him say he was joking and that he didn't mean it. But...I did. I was slightly embarrassed, that dark side of me isn't supposed to come out. Ever.

I'm not sure how...disturbing it is that I completely agree with resolve of the character Yagami Light of Death Note. He said in the anime that "In class, we never discussed if we could kill evil people. But if we did discuss it, everyone would pretend to be pure. People would say that they must not do it. Of course, that's the correct answer, because humans have to act that way in public. But that is not their true nature." When I heard that, I thought to myself..."Maybe it's possible that others do in fact think like that, but don't show it. Much like me." While I've never found anyone like that other than me, maybe it's because no one discusses it. But I'll change that.

Without being...very dark, I've always found life to be rather insignificant. People say that life is precious but I've never found that to be true. If you were to run over an animal by accident, would you mourn it? What if you stepped on an insect? Would you care? What makes it's life any more or less significant than another's? and who makes that decision? Again, these are questions posed from the story, Monster. "Not all people's lives are equal".

Quick - think of any 2 people you know. Seriously, pick any 2 people you can think of. Now consider their lives in your hands. If you had to choose one to die and one to live, who would you choose? Don't read on until you've reached a decision.

Now, again, think of 2 people and do the scenario again. Do it as many times as you want. Now, how did you determine an answer? On what basis does one life matter more than another? Or does it at all? Can we make those decisions? Are we fit to judge? We are, after all, only human.

When faced with the dilemma regarding the death of one of two people that I posed above, I was able to determine an answer in almost every scenario I thought of. I randomly thought of 2 people I knew and determined which was more worthy of life. I'm going to assume you did as well. Now, for the person that you determined not as worthy to live as the other, how insignificant is their life now when placed under this context. You've just deemed them unworthy of existence and you probably came up with the decision rather quickly. If you couldn't come up with an answer, I would assume that you chose 2 people who's lives might have equal worth to you. But again, if you run through more and more people, you'll start to be able to find answers and determine them quickly. The point of this exercise was for you to begin to realize that "Not all people's lives are equal".

Despite all the above, I believe the world and the people in it are generally good. Placing myself under the scrutiny of the above dilemma, I would often choose another person's life over my own. I don't feel that I'm a "good" person. It may be well hidden but I bring selfishness, arrogance, sloth, pride, envy and a whole mess of negativity to the world. I would gladly sacrifice my life to save someone of whom I feel more worthy of life than me. Just the same, I would end another life to save my own if I felt their life did not have as much worth as mine.

Now, getting back to this person who's death had jokingly been wished upon. He's a person not generally well liked, the majority of people that I know who know him as well don't say nice things about him often, if ever. This person has sensed that we don't like him and even asked if something was wrong. The fact is, not everyone is well liked by everyone. If you feel that you aren't, that maybe something is wrong with you, I'm going to blunt here: chances are they're right. Something IS wrong with you. Now, you can do many things with that realization. Change who you are to accommodate others. Tell everyone else to go fuck themselves and be yourself. Be and accept yourself for who you are but don't hate everyone. It's each person's individual choice whether or not they want to change but if being you hasn't worked out then you need to adapt if you want things to work. And if you don't adapt because you don't care, that's okay too but just realize that the situation will persist and stop b!tching. I wish I could say all these things to said person of whom I've wished death upon, but chances are I won't. Chances are he doesn't read my blog either.

**Again, I do plan to expand on this post...To be continued.**

Chidori VS Rasengan...again!? Hey that rhymes.

Idiocy and irrelevance. I just felt like using Photoshop. TOO MANY RASENGAN.

Warren is a nocturnal creature.

I've always known that I was a night owl but I don't think it's ever been more apparent than tonight. While working on a very large project, about 20-30 people in our department have been working crazy hours...most of them doing 9am-9pm. Today was a bit more difficult, most people had done 9am-midnight. I've also been consistently working from 9:30am-12:30am the last 3 days, I'm sure that I've clocked the most hours out of the 30 (for only these 3 days). Even now, I'm still at work at 4am. I'm the only one here tho and while I woke up at 8am (and have been awake for 20 hours), I'm tired but not tired enough to prevent me from writing a blog post which I've been itching to do for days now. I've had so many topics come to mind recently but this one is clear in my head right now, so I'll discuss.

At midnight, some of my usual friendly co-workers had become highly irritable, obviously a combination of sleep deprivation, stress, and...hard-workingness. While I was momentarily sleepy around the 9pm mark, I, like previous nights, assumed I would catch my second (awake) wind...and I did. At 11pm, I was wide awake...even now, 6 hours later, I'm in decent enough shape to write yet another grammatically horrible post. Going back to my co-workers, at the 2am mark, only maybe 5 of the 15 still here were "okay". The rest were...DONE. Like, tired....not thinking, zoning out, getting pissed off, etc. Of the 5 that were okay, only 2 were as chipper as I. I was all smiley and those around me couldn't understand it....and they hated it. I'd been putting in just as many hours as everyone else...why was I still "okay"? I don't know the answer myself but I know that I'm not very happy in the morning...and that I'm much better at night. And for the other 90% of people, it's the opposite.

Hmm, I might continue this post later, it's 4:30am and I have to wake up at 8:30am...I should probably get home and get a few hours of sleep.

To be continued.

My old room (again)....

I don't wanna spend too much time writing today. I thought of 2 topics for future posts tonight at work but they'll wait...I'll just put up what I was working on last night at 2am...

I attempted to create a Panorama shot of my old room (from 2000) using the off angle, poor quality images that I had. The images have lived through 2 hard drive failures but I was able to restore the files (tho they seemed to degrade). I never intended to make a panorama image when I took them, they're completely horrible for that sort of thing...oh well, I did 40% of my best. That's good enough.

Click the image to see a larger (2MB) image panorama.